Autumnal unease

Today it is definitely becoming autumnal, the temperature has dropped and the leaves are falling off the trees. Here in whitby it is cold and it is difficult to believe that this time last week we were on the beach at saltwick bay in shorts and t shirts digging in the sand. I have been in charge of 5 children today and getting stressed about them drowning in the sea as it was coming in really fast but not as fast as I imagined. I took out some money and I was planning to take them to a play area and the slot machines but between taking out the money and getting there I lost it all. Where ?I have no idea! It is gutting that all that money is somewhere but not in my pocket and not for me to spend! I do so love to spend money and I have been so careful lately as there is not much spare these days. We seem to get more overdrawn every time I look despite working and being frugal.

It is definitely not in my nature to be thrifty and my husband often despairs of me so I won't be telling him about the lost money. Recently when I have spent any he likens it to how long he has worked to earn it. To be fair though it is earned by me too. I used to have a big spend as soon as I got paid so negating any benefit of being paid. Recently I am starting to realise that is not the best way to save so have stopped doing that. I do love to buy things though. Where we live there are not many good shops so there is not the opportunity that exists elsewhere. If I want to shop I have to go online or to scarborough which is 20 miles away or middlesbrough which is 30 miles ish away. These days with the children the joy has gone out of spending hours shopping as they are good for a while then get bored unless you are buying stuff for them. I tend to buy alot less these days and make do much more. Saying that we are not in rags and don't want for anything, I think we just don't buy lots of extras that we don't need.

Work is rubbish at the moment. I keep doing that emotional girlie thing where I get so frustrated that I become frustrated to the point of tears, which does not seem to get me my own way at all. I can't help it though because my job is surrounded by politics and these days I can not just have staff because I want them (and were promised them over 5 years ago). I have to prove that there is work for us all and because I am so busy doing the work, I do not have the time to prove that. I am not sure that it is even possible ,because out of necessity we have had to cut the numbers of referrals we see, which then has the effect that we look less busy. Can't win so very frustrating. Also I have never managed anyone before and now am expected to do it all without any support. I am really struggling and thinking about what else I could do as I think it is making me ill with the stress which is not really worth it all. I do love my job though but it is probably not worth the stress. It is one of those jobs that is not seen as essential as it is mainly support which is difficult to measure and quantify. I have been looking for a different job but it is difficult to find something that pays as well.

One thing I think I have mentioned before is that I would love to write a novel and work from home. Ideally I would work a few hours a week as a nurse and spend the rest of my time working from home. I have looked into proof reading courses and coaching as well and keep racking my brains to see what else I can turn up. I guess all jobs have their downsides but these days the NHS managers do not seem to care much unless you can save them money. I think this is wrong as the focus is off the patients and families.

So these today are my dilemmas - I always seem to have some struggle or other. Still the internal ones don't seem too bad at the moment. Maybe it's an age thing! I usually hate winter but even the thought of winter is not depressing me yet! So on the plus side I am still feeling pretty happy overall and content with life in general. There seems to be lots going on so lots of events coming up to look forward to. I have realised that always having a few things in the pipeline makes all the difference. I think as I have got older I have realised a few things :

1. everyone else is not necessarily having a better time than me
2. not everyone else looks better than me/ has nicer clothes etc
3. nobody is busy all the time and even the busiest people have times at home without everyone around.
4. you have to be content in yourself first and then you find happiness in your life (taken me a long time to realise this)
5. life would not necessarily be better in the south!!!!!

creative juices

I always start my blogs the same way so today I will be different.

Life is still pretty good and I seem to enjoy the simpler things in life these days. Tomorrow my day will be going to specsavers to pick up my glasses after a lazy breakfast - low carbs as I have decided to try to eat low gi which I always find difficult as I love bread. I think when the sun is shining and it is not cold there is alot of enjoyment just in being. I love to feel the sun on my face and am never happier than when the birds are singing, people are cutting their lawns and you can hear the screeches of children playing. I am slightly worried though because In our bush you can hear a loud buzzing noise and see at least a dozen bees flying about ao I am wary of them when I am hanging out my washing.

Anyway back to my day, rivetting as it was I know but I will probably just hang about the house, let the rabbits out and clean their hutches. There might be a neighbour around for coffee so that is always a good distraction and the children all get on really well. I might even take them to the beach which is only a couple of miles away. If it is a really nice day we might go on the bikes on the railway which passes an hour or so and is good fun. There is a tearoom as well so that always adds to the whole experience.

I really want to write a book based on some of my life experiences or a light and fluffy read. Can't decide which - maybe I should start light and fluffy and progress to the heavier tomes! Maybe not might just be too depressing!! Light and fluffy it is then! Really at the moment LIFE COULD NOT BE BETTER but I always start to worry when I think that because then it almost certainly gets worse! But just for the record - it is pretty good and I don't want to always be moaning - you get so bored of hearing yourself!

So I think that is my next thing- write that novel that is somewhere there, become a success and attend lots of book signings then retire from work or drop some hours and work from home. Then I can do my counselling course and be a lady of leisure too! I am unconvinced that anyone actually reads these blogs apart from Blonde moments who is one of my dearest and bestest friends and maybe another - she knows who she is. I expect she has given up following me as I rarely write and most of it is just drivel - but there you go, the contents of my mind.

Whilst I write my daughter no 2 is chanting that she is bored and it is 2206 so she should be in bed anyway!

It has been a long time since my last blog but I felt that I wanted to revisit it. I have in my abscence been doing a counselling course which I was passionate about but just found with everything else going on with my daughter who was in hospital again for bowel surgery that it was the wrong time. I did really love doing it though but will have to shelve it for another time. I met some great people and really looked forward to each session but I needed more time to do assignments and attend the sessions than I actually had!

In the meantime my husband has become less grumpy and has left his job which involved travelling an hour and  a half every day each way and meant that he was never around for pick up or drop offs with the children and if I ever needed him to cover I could usually guarantee that he was somewhere between guisborough and sunderland where he was working. Now his new job is starting next week and already I have become accustomed to getting in from work to dinner cooking, a tidy house and children being fed which has been lovely. He is also much happier, more attentive and appreciative of what I have been doing for the past years since we have had our children. It looks set to continue as his job is 20 mins away which means that he will still be around to help several times a week which will be great.

My little boy is just about to start big school and is excited about joining his big sisters in september. He has to go on a little induction course as well and I am excited about that. I am relieved because I thought I would be sad when he starts school but I am not I am excited for him and look forward to them all growing up and knowing what they will become. It is a great time as life is busy and full and the children are really fabulous - although not all of the time but I go to bed at night content and happy with my life and that has to say something. Admittedly we are going into summer and I do love the possibilities of this time of year but I don't think that is the only reason. I have lots of things planned for the summer time and I am really looking forward to so many things. We have a week booked down in Devon and I have a couple of weekends away booked. All in all a good time ahead.

christmas blues or ups

Well I have tried very hard to not go down the road of feeling blue at christmas - not succeeding at the moment. We are all plagued by illness and I am not feeling full of goodwill and cheer. I only hope I don't reach christmas day in this negative frame of mind. I do have reasons - my little girl has been unwell since half term in October and since then has suffered bouts of severe stomach ache and been admitted on several occasions and eventually ended up with a blocked bowell and gall stones! Poor girl - we had 8 days in hospital in Leeds which was a better experience than previously and I did feel cared for and not neglected which I guess is a better advert for the profession than previously. We also had lots of trips with pain and scans and outpatients appointments before we got the diagnosis.

In this time, despite being a nurse I managed to just go along with things to a degree but ended up taking her in when the pain became too much. I spent a night in my local hospital too and had two ambulance trips into the bargain! Anyway it is all over now and whereas I was feeling very relaxed about things in hospital and feeling that nothing really mattered as long as she was okay, now I feel fed up that I am behind with things and not being able to go to work - missed all the social occasions that I had booked and feel quite irrationally peed off!

I had some great things planned - see the last entry - I was going to Manchester to meet with an old friend for the weekend which was cancelled by her as she was having some family difficulties but that evening ended up in an ambulance with a poorly child - the beginning of it all. I then had a weekend in Bristol, meeting up with another friend nr Sheffield to go to Yorkshire Sculpture Park, work Christmas Do, friends night out etc etc. I have not been on one night out to speak of. I did manage an evening to my neighbour for a drink and some pizza - thats it!

I have decided that I can only give for so long - I have been woken over the course of the past 3 weeks by one or other child and they have always needed me to be fully awake. We have had sickness, upset stomachs, coughs, fevers and general unwellness and to be honest I am very sick of it all! I don't know the skill of staying cheerful despite your circumstances- is it just that other people are fully fulfilled with their children and home life or do others have the same feelings.

We have few plans over xmas and I do dread them to a degree. So much pressure to do the right presents for people and this year no time to go out and get them. Amazon has had a hammering and I dread to think how much we have spent. The children keep telling me of new things that father xmas is bringing them and I have had to call it a day. Then you feel a disappointment on xmas day as well as filling them full of chocolate and sweets which is not something that happens without cranky and whingey children as the end result. Husband prefers not to bother with it all and tries to get out of much as he can. He is useful in the cooking of dinner and laying the fire. Other than that, he is generally on a mission to get pissed by teatime when we usually have a visit from his parents and his sister. I have mixed feelings about this visit since it is nice to see someone but I would rather it were my family.

This year I am determined not to end up rowing by 9 Oclock but I can't promise anything!

Well here I am again. We all knew that I would be back at some point! I have reached a point in my life where I want some things to change. Not too major - keep the husband, house and children but maybe change the career or just the outlook. I seriously need to keep fit and actually go to the gym or for that run instead of just thinking about it. I am so good at procrastinating and I think I am realising that it is so important to look after yourself. I have started to realise that the way to stay on top (so to speak) of the mood swings, blue times is to think positively and enjoy the moment. If that fails then book a few weekends away, treat yourself well and give yourself a break! Sometimes we are so hard on ourselves and I have realised that we all make mistakes - none of us are perfect and at least if you try it is better to fail than not get out there.

At the moment I love my life! That has got to be a first! I think I always worried too much about what other people thought of me and what I looked like and whether my friends liked me etc. All very self indulgent and me, me, me. I am realising as I get older that none of it really matters. It is what I think that counts. One of the ways of getting over whether I look good in something or not is to imagine it on someone else and if it looks good on them, then I too will look good. I think something I do suffer from is a low self esteem but again I am realising that many of us are plagued with self doubt and actually that I do pretty well really. See I am giving myself a break! I have been uninspired for some time to write so have just not done so - though I have started the book!

This week has been a terrible one really because several of my friends have lost loved ones and I have felt very inadequate in the face of their loss. One a very good friend, well all good friends in different ways, but the one I am talking about is a very good friend from my school years and has always been such a loyal and considerate and lovely friend that I feel so far away from her and unable to really do much. I would have gone to the funeral but when you live 7 hrs away and have 3 children it is a logistical nightmare. I have pledged to turn up at a later date and take her out for lunch and remember her Dad and her loss at a time when most others will have forgotten. I envied my friend as I do not have a relationship with my own and have never had the closeness that she had with hers. I guess I will be spared the grief when that time comes.

I do however have a great relationship with my mum. It has taken me having children to show me how great my mum actually is. I realise that just having children survive day to day: the feeding, clothing, interaction, taking to school etc etc is hard work - in fact the best job in the world but also the hardest. I used to taunt my mother with the you love the others more than me stuff and now realise what that feels like because I get the same from my daughter. You realise that the reason for her saying that is that she needs reassurance - one thing I never really felt until the later years as our relationship was not very good when I was young. Still , it means that I am able to reassure my small girl that I do indeed love and adore her and that if she did jump in the sea or out of the car that I would indeed be very upset and might never recover. She seems reassured by that response but she is much like my young self and needs to be constantly told.

I love being a mum so much more than I ever thought I would. I used to worry that I was damaging the children by the way I was but I never realised that I would love than so intensely. In fact I did not realise I was even capable of such emotion. Having children has given me so much more than I ever realised and each one gives something different. In fact I was never very good at relationships, apart from friends, so it is constantly amazing to me that I have managed to have a relationship for the past 15 years. I know that I can be a bit intense as a friend and I am quite full on for some people it can be offputting. I can't just let people be as I think my insecurities have meant that I keep on top of relationships so that if I do not see someone for a while I think that I must arrange to do so. I have many friends and get alot of enjoyment from both being a friend and having friends. Sometimes they do let you down but whereas in the past if people were too one way I would terminate the friendship or stop investment in that relationship I now realise there are many reasons for friendship and it is nice to sometimes see some people infrequently and that is alright.

well I am rambling but you get the gist - I am happy and I like being with others. I feel fulfilled by my children and think they give so much to us all. That is it for now.

Occasional bumps on the rocky road of life

Life here in the North is good at the moment. Think I have been very hormonal and not very sure of feelings lately so not written because I get fed up with negativity all the time. When I feel like that I don't want to write although probably those writings would be more real. Sometimes I think I might go a bit crazy with my mind being how it is. Definitely sometimes it is hormones because circumstances are no different but I can feel so fed up one day then almost high a few days later.

The children are growing up fast. My 3 year old is now almost potty trained which is such a relief and now I am looking forward to some freer time and feel like the old me is emerging. It feels as if a part of me has been submerged for a while and I think in some ways the whole experience of having children is all consuming in a way that nothing else ever is!

For me it was being pregnant, losing a baby at 22 weeks then having twins (now nearly 7 yrs) then another baby at 18 weeks then my 3 year old so for the past 8 years I have either been wanting to be pregnant or in the throes of it all. Not to mention having appointments and some time with one of the twins on an intensive care unit and all that entails. It has all been worth it though but there is some relief that we made it - eventually and not a day goes past (well not many) when I don't feel extremely lucky and blessed although I know some of my friends don't see my life that way!

I consider myself very fortunate and I also have a fab house in the country, near the sea, some great friends and neighbours and a great job. Although it does not always seem that way! I do indeed have all these things but as I say I do suffer from low moods on a regular basis which does complicate my life and make me feel alien and distant from all of those around me. I fortunately do have alot of good friends and a supportive family (though a long way away - the family and some of the friends). I think I have said before that I did never imagine being where I am now. The marriage is still a mystery to me but as we were saying only last night - mostly seems to work. I think if it did not we would not still be together. I still (when not low) think he is an incredible person and a great dad and he and I have come through some very difficult upbringings and that is probably the glue that keeps us together. I could not imagine life without him. Though sometimes life might be easier - he is very different to me and we often do not see things in the same way at all. Makes for an interesting life!

I am about to take the children away without him because he cannot cope with holidays with the children abroad. So I decided that the easiest way to manage this was to leave him behind! So I am going with two other children's nurses who I know pretty well and who I know will be great with the kids - thus relieving my stress levels and giving me a break!

It will work for hubby too because he will get a week of peace so be really happy to see us on our return! So all in all not too bad at the moment. Enjoying the job, got a few weekends away planned, weather is improving and the building project is moving on - we nearly have two bathrooms! What luxury - but also I am hoping this will ensure that we have many a houseful of visitors. We live on the North East coast and I come from the South coast so many of my friends have not made it here yet - about 7 hours away - but this year I have consciously not visited very frequently because I realised that as I kept visiting there was no need for them to come here - it seems to be working - got several visitors booked for the summer! Well that is it for now - still trying to think of an idea for a book. Will post again soon.

past holidays and waking up with children

It's been a while since I have been bothered to write. It is hard to do a blog because when things are going well, you are usually too busy to write and the times when you have the time - there is not much to write about. I can't always rely on my memory as it is terrible these days! Sometimes I think I expect far too much from life and others seem content with so much less than I do. If I have a week where not alot happens I start to feel unpopular and unloved etc yet most of the time I lead a very full and fun life!

It's not as if it is not busy! with the three children and house that constantly needs attention - not to mention the grumpy husband. Most people would think that was enough! I also work 30 hrs a week as a nurse on the community working with children with health needs. Not as if it is an easy job either. I am trying to improve services to children in the area but seem to have lost my way this past week and just feel overwhelmed with the task and unable to complete it! I am off now for a week so hoping to find some direction and enthusiasm! I think some of my mood is hormonal and I hate that hormones can make you feel so different - almost as if you lose your mooring.

In life I have lost my mooring a few times so mental well being is very important to me. I need my friends and family close by and when they stop being there I do find it hard being alone. Recently I have felt quite distant from my family and friends. It feels like we have entered a time in our lives where no one has time for anyone else. The thing is I still do! So what am I doing wrong?? When you get into your forties - are you supposed to be so busy that you lose your connections to your previous life? I don't know I find it all very puzzling....
I sometimes wonder if most people spend alot of time with their spouse? We have very separate interests and lives, although we are very much together (I think?) I love him dearly, but he is not everything to me. Is that wrong? So I do still have time for others, whereas it does not seem to be reciprocated!

Anyway, that's where I am at at the moment and the reason that I have not blogged for a while. Sometimes I think it is more real to put down how I am feeling, especially as I feel like this so frequently! I wonder if others do too? I have many moments of wondering what it is all about? On the other hand, I feel so lucky. I may have mentioned before but I did not ever expect to have children or get married. I always thought that those things happened to others. I did have some really great relationships before this one - but nothing ever came close to this.

Most of the time I feel very fortunate - I don't have the feeling of having a soul mate which I have met in the past but I think were too emotional and close relationships. This relationship is much more real and rooted in real life which as we all know is not always great! We have alot in common together and we have our own freedom  so that I am allowed to have days "off" which means I can have nights away on my own or leave the children with him and go shopping. Alot of my friends do not seem to be able to get away at all and have no spare time.


I am also taking the children on holiday with some friends as hubby does not really enjoy family holidays - he never had them as a child so the few we have had have been stressful and not much fun. Well there have been moments of fun - mingled with the stress! The most memorable of these was a holiday which I organised in collaboration (I thought) with hubby. He just nodded everytime I told him a part of the organisation - though he admitted he did not think I would really go ahead with it! He has alot to learn about me still! So I booked the holiday of my dreams with my lovely family, thinking he would love it too!

The holiday in retrospect did not start in the best way. I could only get a flight from stanstead airport - about 4 hours drive away! I guess maybe not the most relaxing of starts for stressed husband! He drives an hour and a half to work then back again each day so his holiday ideally should contain no driving! OOps! Not a point I had appreciated at the time! On arrival to the airport, there was the stress of parking etc. The flight went smoothly and the transfer was fairly uneventful. Well apart from having to wait a while in a queue for our hire car and them not having the right seat for our 6 month old.

When we arrived, what to me was idyllic - a gite in the middle of nowhere- wooden floors - 3 floors of echoey, noisy stairs. No TV, just a radio. Old fashioned - but a cooker, fridge and kettle. I thought the perfect get away! Husband thought where is the telly? what are the children going to do for the next 10 days? It was 15 k to the nearest town so another drive and I lost my confidence over the channnel - so was unable to help with the driving. There were some good bits but hubby felt stressed and unwell. The 6 month old and the girls were beautifully behaved, not hard work at all - easily pleased and fun to be with. Hubby on the other hand was hard work, difficult, moody and not much help. So I have told him that I'll take the children without him!

The holiday I have booked is abroad again - the first time in three years - have not dared since the last one or had the money as we have been building onto our house. This holiday should be great - I have two friends who do not have children coming with us - both children's nurses so great with kids! It is in a luxury caravan , on a keycamp park with free kids entertainment and close to the town and beach. I am really looking forward to it - especially the sun! We had 10 days of rain in france which of course did not help matters!

So, today I am sitting in bed with Radio 2, I like Chris Evans these days, though I alternate with Chris Moyles as I like him too. I think he is off on hols at the moment anyway. I have all 3 children in the bed. One playing with the DS cooking mama, the other two alternating between loving each other and fighting! One has already come to me with a bleeding mouth that her brother had caused as he wanted to watch the zoo animals! She did admit later that she had hit him on the head as well! It serves me right because he had woken me at 7am with demands for milk which I had gone and got at 7.15 - I had put up with his banter and constant demands to read him a book but by 7.45 I decided he could go and wake his sisters and get them to take him downstairs to watch TV. If I had not been lazy and had gone to put the TV on or alternatively given into his demands to read a book then none of it would have happened! What a bad parent I am!