Well here I am again. We all knew that I would be back at some point! I have reached a point in my life where I want some things to change. Not too major - keep the husband, house and children but maybe change the career or just the outlook. I seriously need to keep fit and actually go to the gym or for that run instead of just thinking about it. I am so good at procrastinating and I think I am realising that it is so important to look after yourself. I have started to realise that the way to stay on top (so to speak) of the mood swings, blue times is to think positively and enjoy the moment. If that fails then book a few weekends away, treat yourself well and give yourself a break! Sometimes we are so hard on ourselves and I have realised that we all make mistakes - none of us are perfect and at least if you try it is better to fail than not get out there.

At the moment I love my life! That has got to be a first! I think I always worried too much about what other people thought of me and what I looked like and whether my friends liked me etc. All very self indulgent and me, me, me. I am realising as I get older that none of it really matters. It is what I think that counts. One of the ways of getting over whether I look good in something or not is to imagine it on someone else and if it looks good on them, then I too will look good. I think something I do suffer from is a low self esteem but again I am realising that many of us are plagued with self doubt and actually that I do pretty well really. See I am giving myself a break! I have been uninspired for some time to write so have just not done so - though I have started the book!

This week has been a terrible one really because several of my friends have lost loved ones and I have felt very inadequate in the face of their loss. One a very good friend, well all good friends in different ways, but the one I am talking about is a very good friend from my school years and has always been such a loyal and considerate and lovely friend that I feel so far away from her and unable to really do much. I would have gone to the funeral but when you live 7 hrs away and have 3 children it is a logistical nightmare. I have pledged to turn up at a later date and take her out for lunch and remember her Dad and her loss at a time when most others will have forgotten. I envied my friend as I do not have a relationship with my own and have never had the closeness that she had with hers. I guess I will be spared the grief when that time comes.

I do however have a great relationship with my mum. It has taken me having children to show me how great my mum actually is. I realise that just having children survive day to day: the feeding, clothing, interaction, taking to school etc etc is hard work - in fact the best job in the world but also the hardest. I used to taunt my mother with the you love the others more than me stuff and now realise what that feels like because I get the same from my daughter. You realise that the reason for her saying that is that she needs reassurance - one thing I never really felt until the later years as our relationship was not very good when I was young. Still , it means that I am able to reassure my small girl that I do indeed love and adore her and that if she did jump in the sea or out of the car that I would indeed be very upset and might never recover. She seems reassured by that response but she is much like my young self and needs to be constantly told.

I love being a mum so much more than I ever thought I would. I used to worry that I was damaging the children by the way I was but I never realised that I would love than so intensely. In fact I did not realise I was even capable of such emotion. Having children has given me so much more than I ever realised and each one gives something different. In fact I was never very good at relationships, apart from friends, so it is constantly amazing to me that I have managed to have a relationship for the past 15 years. I know that I can be a bit intense as a friend and I am quite full on for some people it can be offputting. I can't just let people be as I think my insecurities have meant that I keep on top of relationships so that if I do not see someone for a while I think that I must arrange to do so. I have many friends and get alot of enjoyment from both being a friend and having friends. Sometimes they do let you down but whereas in the past if people were too one way I would terminate the friendship or stop investment in that relationship I now realise there are many reasons for friendship and it is nice to sometimes see some people infrequently and that is alright.

well I am rambling but you get the gist - I am happy and I like being with others. I feel fulfilled by my children and think they give so much to us all. That is it for now.