It's been a while since I have been bothered to write. It is hard to do a blog because when things are going well, you are usually too busy to write and the times when you have the time - there is not much to write about. I can't always rely on my memory as it is terrible these days! Sometimes I think I expect far too much from life and others seem content with so much less than I do. If I have a week where not alot happens I start to feel unpopular and unloved etc yet most of the time I lead a very full and fun life!
It's not as if it is not busy! with the three children and house that constantly needs attention - not to mention the grumpy husband. Most people would think that was enough! I also work 30 hrs a week as a nurse on the community working with children with health needs. Not as if it is an easy job either. I am trying to improve services to children in the area but seem to have lost my way this past week and just feel overwhelmed with the task and unable to complete it! I am off now for a week so hoping to find some direction and enthusiasm! I think some of my mood is hormonal and I hate that hormones can make you feel so different - almost as if you lose your mooring.
In life I have lost my mooring a few times so mental well being is very important to me. I need my friends and family close by and when they stop being there I do find it hard being alone. Recently I have felt quite distant from my family and friends. It feels like we have entered a time in our lives where no one has time for anyone else. The thing is I still do! So what am I doing wrong?? When you get into your forties - are you supposed to be so busy that you lose your connections to your previous life? I don't know I find it all very puzzling....
I sometimes wonder if most people spend alot of time with their spouse? We have very separate interests and lives, although we are very much together (I think?) I love him dearly, but he is not everything to me. Is that wrong? So I do still have time for others, whereas it does not seem to be reciprocated!
Anyway, that's where I am at at the moment and the reason that I have not blogged for a while. Sometimes I think it is more real to put down how I am feeling, especially as I feel like this so frequently! I wonder if others do too? I have many moments of wondering what it is all about? On the other hand, I feel so lucky. I may have mentioned before but I did not ever expect to have children or get married. I always thought that those things happened to others. I did have some really great relationships before this one - but nothing ever came close to this.
Most of the time I feel very fortunate - I don't have the feeling of having a soul mate which I have met in the past but I think were too emotional and close relationships. This relationship is much more real and rooted in real life which as we all know is not always great! We have alot in common together and we have our own freedom so that I am allowed to have days "off" which means I can have nights away on my own or leave the children with him and go shopping. Alot of my friends do not seem to be able to get away at all and have no spare time.
I am also taking the children on holiday with some friends as hubby does not really enjoy family holidays - he never had them as a child so the few we have had have been stressful and not much fun. Well there have been moments of fun - mingled with the stress! The most memorable of these was a holiday which I organised in collaboration (I thought) with hubby. He just nodded everytime I told him a part of the organisation - though he admitted he did not think I would really go ahead with it! He has alot to learn about me still! So I booked the holiday of my dreams with my lovely family, thinking he would love it too!
The holiday in retrospect did not start in the best way. I could only get a flight from stanstead airport - about 4 hours drive away! I guess maybe not the most relaxing of starts for stressed husband! He drives an hour and a half to work then back again each day so his holiday ideally should contain no driving! OOps! Not a point I had appreciated at the time! On arrival to the airport, there was the stress of parking etc. The flight went smoothly and the transfer was fairly uneventful. Well apart from having to wait a while in a queue for our hire car and them not having the right seat for our 6 month old.
When we arrived, what to me was idyllic - a gite in the middle of nowhere- wooden floors - 3 floors of echoey, noisy stairs. No TV, just a radio. Old fashioned - but a cooker, fridge and kettle. I thought the perfect get away! Husband thought where is the telly? what are the children going to do for the next 10 days? It was 15 k to the nearest town so another drive and I lost my confidence over the channnel - so was unable to help with the driving. There were some good bits but hubby felt stressed and unwell. The 6 month old and the girls were beautifully behaved, not hard work at all - easily pleased and fun to be with. Hubby on the other hand was hard work, difficult, moody and not much help. So I have told him that I'll take the children without him!
The holiday I have booked is abroad again - the first time in three years - have not dared since the last one or had the money as we have been building onto our house. This holiday should be great - I have two friends who do not have children coming with us - both children's nurses so great with kids! It is in a luxury caravan , on a keycamp park with free kids entertainment and close to the town and beach. I am really looking forward to it - especially the sun! We had 10 days of rain in france which of course did not help matters!
So, today I am sitting in bed with Radio 2, I like Chris Evans these days, though I alternate with Chris Moyles as I like him too. I think he is off on hols at the moment anyway. I have all 3 children in the bed. One playing with the DS cooking mama, the other two alternating between loving each other and fighting! One has already come to me with a bleeding mouth that her brother had caused as he wanted to watch the zoo animals! She did admit later that she had hit him on the head as well! It serves me right because he had woken me at 7am with demands for milk which I had gone and got at 7.15 - I had put up with his banter and constant demands to read him a book but by 7.45 I decided he could go and wake his sisters and get them to take him downstairs to watch TV. If I had not been lazy and had gone to put the TV on or alternatively given into his demands to read a book then none of it would have happened! What a bad parent I am!
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