Autumnal unease

Today it is definitely becoming autumnal, the temperature has dropped and the leaves are falling off the trees. Here in whitby it is cold and it is difficult to believe that this time last week we were on the beach at saltwick bay in shorts and t shirts digging in the sand. I have been in charge of 5 children today and getting stressed about them drowning in the sea as it was coming in really fast but not as fast as I imagined. I took out some money and I was planning to take them to a play area and the slot machines but between taking out the money and getting there I lost it all. Where ?I have no idea! It is gutting that all that money is somewhere but not in my pocket and not for me to spend! I do so love to spend money and I have been so careful lately as there is not much spare these days. We seem to get more overdrawn every time I look despite working and being frugal.

It is definitely not in my nature to be thrifty and my husband often despairs of me so I won't be telling him about the lost money. Recently when I have spent any he likens it to how long he has worked to earn it. To be fair though it is earned by me too. I used to have a big spend as soon as I got paid so negating any benefit of being paid. Recently I am starting to realise that is not the best way to save so have stopped doing that. I do love to buy things though. Where we live there are not many good shops so there is not the opportunity that exists elsewhere. If I want to shop I have to go online or to scarborough which is 20 miles away or middlesbrough which is 30 miles ish away. These days with the children the joy has gone out of spending hours shopping as they are good for a while then get bored unless you are buying stuff for them. I tend to buy alot less these days and make do much more. Saying that we are not in rags and don't want for anything, I think we just don't buy lots of extras that we don't need.

Work is rubbish at the moment. I keep doing that emotional girlie thing where I get so frustrated that I become frustrated to the point of tears, which does not seem to get me my own way at all. I can't help it though because my job is surrounded by politics and these days I can not just have staff because I want them (and were promised them over 5 years ago). I have to prove that there is work for us all and because I am so busy doing the work, I do not have the time to prove that. I am not sure that it is even possible ,because out of necessity we have had to cut the numbers of referrals we see, which then has the effect that we look less busy. Can't win so very frustrating. Also I have never managed anyone before and now am expected to do it all without any support. I am really struggling and thinking about what else I could do as I think it is making me ill with the stress which is not really worth it all. I do love my job though but it is probably not worth the stress. It is one of those jobs that is not seen as essential as it is mainly support which is difficult to measure and quantify. I have been looking for a different job but it is difficult to find something that pays as well.

One thing I think I have mentioned before is that I would love to write a novel and work from home. Ideally I would work a few hours a week as a nurse and spend the rest of my time working from home. I have looked into proof reading courses and coaching as well and keep racking my brains to see what else I can turn up. I guess all jobs have their downsides but these days the NHS managers do not seem to care much unless you can save them money. I think this is wrong as the focus is off the patients and families.

So these today are my dilemmas - I always seem to have some struggle or other. Still the internal ones don't seem too bad at the moment. Maybe it's an age thing! I usually hate winter but even the thought of winter is not depressing me yet! So on the plus side I am still feeling pretty happy overall and content with life in general. There seems to be lots going on so lots of events coming up to look forward to. I have realised that always having a few things in the pipeline makes all the difference. I think as I have got older I have realised a few things :

1. everyone else is not necessarily having a better time than me
2. not everyone else looks better than me/ has nicer clothes etc
3. nobody is busy all the time and even the busiest people have times at home without everyone around.
4. you have to be content in yourself first and then you find happiness in your life (taken me a long time to realise this)
5. life would not necessarily be better in the south!!!!!

creative juices

I always start my blogs the same way so today I will be different.

Life is still pretty good and I seem to enjoy the simpler things in life these days. Tomorrow my day will be going to specsavers to pick up my glasses after a lazy breakfast - low carbs as I have decided to try to eat low gi which I always find difficult as I love bread. I think when the sun is shining and it is not cold there is alot of enjoyment just in being. I love to feel the sun on my face and am never happier than when the birds are singing, people are cutting their lawns and you can hear the screeches of children playing. I am slightly worried though because In our bush you can hear a loud buzzing noise and see at least a dozen bees flying about ao I am wary of them when I am hanging out my washing.

Anyway back to my day, rivetting as it was I know but I will probably just hang about the house, let the rabbits out and clean their hutches. There might be a neighbour around for coffee so that is always a good distraction and the children all get on really well. I might even take them to the beach which is only a couple of miles away. If it is a really nice day we might go on the bikes on the railway which passes an hour or so and is good fun. There is a tearoom as well so that always adds to the whole experience.

I really want to write a book based on some of my life experiences or a light and fluffy read. Can't decide which - maybe I should start light and fluffy and progress to the heavier tomes! Maybe not might just be too depressing!! Light and fluffy it is then! Really at the moment LIFE COULD NOT BE BETTER but I always start to worry when I think that because then it almost certainly gets worse! But just for the record - it is pretty good and I don't want to always be moaning - you get so bored of hearing yourself!

So I think that is my next thing- write that novel that is somewhere there, become a success and attend lots of book signings then retire from work or drop some hours and work from home. Then I can do my counselling course and be a lady of leisure too! I am unconvinced that anyone actually reads these blogs apart from Blonde moments who is one of my dearest and bestest friends and maybe another - she knows who she is. I expect she has given up following me as I rarely write and most of it is just drivel - but there you go, the contents of my mind.

Whilst I write my daughter no 2 is chanting that she is bored and it is 2206 so she should be in bed anyway!

It has been a long time since my last blog but I felt that I wanted to revisit it. I have in my abscence been doing a counselling course which I was passionate about but just found with everything else going on with my daughter who was in hospital again for bowel surgery that it was the wrong time. I did really love doing it though but will have to shelve it for another time. I met some great people and really looked forward to each session but I needed more time to do assignments and attend the sessions than I actually had!

In the meantime my husband has become less grumpy and has left his job which involved travelling an hour and  a half every day each way and meant that he was never around for pick up or drop offs with the children and if I ever needed him to cover I could usually guarantee that he was somewhere between guisborough and sunderland where he was working. Now his new job is starting next week and already I have become accustomed to getting in from work to dinner cooking, a tidy house and children being fed which has been lovely. He is also much happier, more attentive and appreciative of what I have been doing for the past years since we have had our children. It looks set to continue as his job is 20 mins away which means that he will still be around to help several times a week which will be great.

My little boy is just about to start big school and is excited about joining his big sisters in september. He has to go on a little induction course as well and I am excited about that. I am relieved because I thought I would be sad when he starts school but I am not I am excited for him and look forward to them all growing up and knowing what they will become. It is a great time as life is busy and full and the children are really fabulous - although not all of the time but I go to bed at night content and happy with my life and that has to say something. Admittedly we are going into summer and I do love the possibilities of this time of year but I don't think that is the only reason. I have lots of things planned for the summer time and I am really looking forward to so many things. We have a week booked down in Devon and I have a couple of weekends away booked. All in all a good time ahead.