Well I have tried very hard to not go down the road of feeling blue at christmas - not succeeding at the moment. We are all plagued by illness and I am not feeling full of goodwill and cheer. I only hope I don't reach christmas day in this negative frame of mind. I do have reasons - my little girl has been unwell since half term in October and since then has suffered bouts of severe stomach ache and been admitted on several occasions and eventually ended up with a blocked bowell and gall stones! Poor girl - we had 8 days in hospital in Leeds which was a better experience than previously and I did feel cared for and not neglected which I guess is a better advert for the profession than previously. We also had lots of trips with pain and scans and outpatients appointments before we got the diagnosis.
In this time, despite being a nurse I managed to just go along with things to a degree but ended up taking her in when the pain became too much. I spent a night in my local hospital too and had two ambulance trips into the bargain! Anyway it is all over now and whereas I was feeling very relaxed about things in hospital and feeling that nothing really mattered as long as she was okay, now I feel fed up that I am behind with things and not being able to go to work - missed all the social occasions that I had booked and feel quite irrationally peed off!
I had some great things planned - see the last entry - I was going to Manchester to meet with an old friend for the weekend which was cancelled by her as she was having some family difficulties but that evening ended up in an ambulance with a poorly child - the beginning of it all. I then had a weekend in Bristol, meeting up with another friend nr Sheffield to go to Yorkshire Sculpture Park, work Christmas Do, friends night out etc etc. I have not been on one night out to speak of. I did manage an evening to my neighbour for a drink and some pizza - thats it!
I have decided that I can only give for so long - I have been woken over the course of the past 3 weeks by one or other child and they have always needed me to be fully awake. We have had sickness, upset stomachs, coughs, fevers and general unwellness and to be honest I am very sick of it all! I don't know the skill of staying cheerful despite your circumstances- is it just that other people are fully fulfilled with their children and home life or do others have the same feelings.
We have few plans over xmas and I do dread them to a degree. So much pressure to do the right presents for people and this year no time to go out and get them. Amazon has had a hammering and I dread to think how much we have spent. The children keep telling me of new things that father xmas is bringing them and I have had to call it a day. Then you feel a disappointment on xmas day as well as filling them full of chocolate and sweets which is not something that happens without cranky and whingey children as the end result. Husband prefers not to bother with it all and tries to get out of much as he can. He is useful in the cooking of dinner and laying the fire. Other than that, he is generally on a mission to get pissed by teatime when we usually have a visit from his parents and his sister. I have mixed feelings about this visit since it is nice to see someone but I would rather it were my family.
This year I am determined not to end up rowing by 9 Oclock but I can't promise anything!
Wednesday 22 December 2010
Saturday 18 September 2010
Well here I am again. We all knew that I would be back at some point! I have reached a point in my life where I want some things to change. Not too major - keep the husband, house and children but maybe change the career or just the outlook. I seriously need to keep fit and actually go to the gym or for that run instead of just thinking about it. I am so good at procrastinating and I think I am realising that it is so important to look after yourself. I have started to realise that the way to stay on top (so to speak) of the mood swings, blue times is to think positively and enjoy the moment. If that fails then book a few weekends away, treat yourself well and give yourself a break! Sometimes we are so hard on ourselves and I have realised that we all make mistakes - none of us are perfect and at least if you try it is better to fail than not get out there.
At the moment I love my life! That has got to be a first! I think I always worried too much about what other people thought of me and what I looked like and whether my friends liked me etc. All very self indulgent and me, me, me. I am realising as I get older that none of it really matters. It is what I think that counts. One of the ways of getting over whether I look good in something or not is to imagine it on someone else and if it looks good on them, then I too will look good. I think something I do suffer from is a low self esteem but again I am realising that many of us are plagued with self doubt and actually that I do pretty well really. See I am giving myself a break! I have been uninspired for some time to write so have just not done so - though I have started the book!
This week has been a terrible one really because several of my friends have lost loved ones and I have felt very inadequate in the face of their loss. One a very good friend, well all good friends in different ways, but the one I am talking about is a very good friend from my school years and has always been such a loyal and considerate and lovely friend that I feel so far away from her and unable to really do much. I would have gone to the funeral but when you live 7 hrs away and have 3 children it is a logistical nightmare. I have pledged to turn up at a later date and take her out for lunch and remember her Dad and her loss at a time when most others will have forgotten. I envied my friend as I do not have a relationship with my own and have never had the closeness that she had with hers. I guess I will be spared the grief when that time comes.
I do however have a great relationship with my mum. It has taken me having children to show me how great my mum actually is. I realise that just having children survive day to day: the feeding, clothing, interaction, taking to school etc etc is hard work - in fact the best job in the world but also the hardest. I used to taunt my mother with the you love the others more than me stuff and now realise what that feels like because I get the same from my daughter. You realise that the reason for her saying that is that she needs reassurance - one thing I never really felt until the later years as our relationship was not very good when I was young. Still , it means that I am able to reassure my small girl that I do indeed love and adore her and that if she did jump in the sea or out of the car that I would indeed be very upset and might never recover. She seems reassured by that response but she is much like my young self and needs to be constantly told.
I love being a mum so much more than I ever thought I would. I used to worry that I was damaging the children by the way I was but I never realised that I would love than so intensely. In fact I did not realise I was even capable of such emotion. Having children has given me so much more than I ever realised and each one gives something different. In fact I was never very good at relationships, apart from friends, so it is constantly amazing to me that I have managed to have a relationship for the past 15 years. I know that I can be a bit intense as a friend and I am quite full on for some people it can be offputting. I can't just let people be as I think my insecurities have meant that I keep on top of relationships so that if I do not see someone for a while I think that I must arrange to do so. I have many friends and get alot of enjoyment from both being a friend and having friends. Sometimes they do let you down but whereas in the past if people were too one way I would terminate the friendship or stop investment in that relationship I now realise there are many reasons for friendship and it is nice to sometimes see some people infrequently and that is alright.
well I am rambling but you get the gist - I am happy and I like being with others. I feel fulfilled by my children and think they give so much to us all. That is it for now.
At the moment I love my life! That has got to be a first! I think I always worried too much about what other people thought of me and what I looked like and whether my friends liked me etc. All very self indulgent and me, me, me. I am realising as I get older that none of it really matters. It is what I think that counts. One of the ways of getting over whether I look good in something or not is to imagine it on someone else and if it looks good on them, then I too will look good. I think something I do suffer from is a low self esteem but again I am realising that many of us are plagued with self doubt and actually that I do pretty well really. See I am giving myself a break! I have been uninspired for some time to write so have just not done so - though I have started the book!
This week has been a terrible one really because several of my friends have lost loved ones and I have felt very inadequate in the face of their loss. One a very good friend, well all good friends in different ways, but the one I am talking about is a very good friend from my school years and has always been such a loyal and considerate and lovely friend that I feel so far away from her and unable to really do much. I would have gone to the funeral but when you live 7 hrs away and have 3 children it is a logistical nightmare. I have pledged to turn up at a later date and take her out for lunch and remember her Dad and her loss at a time when most others will have forgotten. I envied my friend as I do not have a relationship with my own and have never had the closeness that she had with hers. I guess I will be spared the grief when that time comes.
I do however have a great relationship with my mum. It has taken me having children to show me how great my mum actually is. I realise that just having children survive day to day: the feeding, clothing, interaction, taking to school etc etc is hard work - in fact the best job in the world but also the hardest. I used to taunt my mother with the you love the others more than me stuff and now realise what that feels like because I get the same from my daughter. You realise that the reason for her saying that is that she needs reassurance - one thing I never really felt until the later years as our relationship was not very good when I was young. Still , it means that I am able to reassure my small girl that I do indeed love and adore her and that if she did jump in the sea or out of the car that I would indeed be very upset and might never recover. She seems reassured by that response but she is much like my young self and needs to be constantly told.
I love being a mum so much more than I ever thought I would. I used to worry that I was damaging the children by the way I was but I never realised that I would love than so intensely. In fact I did not realise I was even capable of such emotion. Having children has given me so much more than I ever realised and each one gives something different. In fact I was never very good at relationships, apart from friends, so it is constantly amazing to me that I have managed to have a relationship for the past 15 years. I know that I can be a bit intense as a friend and I am quite full on for some people it can be offputting. I can't just let people be as I think my insecurities have meant that I keep on top of relationships so that if I do not see someone for a while I think that I must arrange to do so. I have many friends and get alot of enjoyment from both being a friend and having friends. Sometimes they do let you down but whereas in the past if people were too one way I would terminate the friendship or stop investment in that relationship I now realise there are many reasons for friendship and it is nice to sometimes see some people infrequently and that is alright.
well I am rambling but you get the gist - I am happy and I like being with others. I feel fulfilled by my children and think they give so much to us all. That is it for now.
Monday 17 May 2010
Occasional bumps on the rocky road of life
Life here in the North is good at the moment. Think I have been very hormonal and not very sure of feelings lately so not written because I get fed up with negativity all the time. When I feel like that I don't want to write although probably those writings would be more real. Sometimes I think I might go a bit crazy with my mind being how it is. Definitely sometimes it is hormones because circumstances are no different but I can feel so fed up one day then almost high a few days later.
The children are growing up fast. My 3 year old is now almost potty trained which is such a relief and now I am looking forward to some freer time and feel like the old me is emerging. It feels as if a part of me has been submerged for a while and I think in some ways the whole experience of having children is all consuming in a way that nothing else ever is!
For me it was being pregnant, losing a baby at 22 weeks then having twins (now nearly 7 yrs) then another baby at 18 weeks then my 3 year old so for the past 8 years I have either been wanting to be pregnant or in the throes of it all. Not to mention having appointments and some time with one of the twins on an intensive care unit and all that entails. It has all been worth it though but there is some relief that we made it - eventually and not a day goes past (well not many) when I don't feel extremely lucky and blessed although I know some of my friends don't see my life that way!
I consider myself very fortunate and I also have a fab house in the country, near the sea, some great friends and neighbours and a great job. Although it does not always seem that way! I do indeed have all these things but as I say I do suffer from low moods on a regular basis which does complicate my life and make me feel alien and distant from all of those around me. I fortunately do have alot of good friends and a supportive family (though a long way away - the family and some of the friends). I think I have said before that I did never imagine being where I am now. The marriage is still a mystery to me but as we were saying only last night - mostly seems to work. I think if it did not we would not still be together. I still (when not low) think he is an incredible person and a great dad and he and I have come through some very difficult upbringings and that is probably the glue that keeps us together. I could not imagine life without him. Though sometimes life might be easier - he is very different to me and we often do not see things in the same way at all. Makes for an interesting life!
I am about to take the children away without him because he cannot cope with holidays with the children abroad. So I decided that the easiest way to manage this was to leave him behind! So I am going with two other children's nurses who I know pretty well and who I know will be great with the kids - thus relieving my stress levels and giving me a break!
It will work for hubby too because he will get a week of peace so be really happy to see us on our return! So all in all not too bad at the moment. Enjoying the job, got a few weekends away planned, weather is improving and the building project is moving on - we nearly have two bathrooms! What luxury - but also I am hoping this will ensure that we have many a houseful of visitors. We live on the North East coast and I come from the South coast so many of my friends have not made it here yet - about 7 hours away - but this year I have consciously not visited very frequently because I realised that as I kept visiting there was no need for them to come here - it seems to be working - got several visitors booked for the summer! Well that is it for now - still trying to think of an idea for a book. Will post again soon.
The children are growing up fast. My 3 year old is now almost potty trained which is such a relief and now I am looking forward to some freer time and feel like the old me is emerging. It feels as if a part of me has been submerged for a while and I think in some ways the whole experience of having children is all consuming in a way that nothing else ever is!
For me it was being pregnant, losing a baby at 22 weeks then having twins (now nearly 7 yrs) then another baby at 18 weeks then my 3 year old so for the past 8 years I have either been wanting to be pregnant or in the throes of it all. Not to mention having appointments and some time with one of the twins on an intensive care unit and all that entails. It has all been worth it though but there is some relief that we made it - eventually and not a day goes past (well not many) when I don't feel extremely lucky and blessed although I know some of my friends don't see my life that way!
I consider myself very fortunate and I also have a fab house in the country, near the sea, some great friends and neighbours and a great job. Although it does not always seem that way! I do indeed have all these things but as I say I do suffer from low moods on a regular basis which does complicate my life and make me feel alien and distant from all of those around me. I fortunately do have alot of good friends and a supportive family (though a long way away - the family and some of the friends). I think I have said before that I did never imagine being where I am now. The marriage is still a mystery to me but as we were saying only last night - mostly seems to work. I think if it did not we would not still be together. I still (when not low) think he is an incredible person and a great dad and he and I have come through some very difficult upbringings and that is probably the glue that keeps us together. I could not imagine life without him. Though sometimes life might be easier - he is very different to me and we often do not see things in the same way at all. Makes for an interesting life!
I am about to take the children away without him because he cannot cope with holidays with the children abroad. So I decided that the easiest way to manage this was to leave him behind! So I am going with two other children's nurses who I know pretty well and who I know will be great with the kids - thus relieving my stress levels and giving me a break!
It will work for hubby too because he will get a week of peace so be really happy to see us on our return! So all in all not too bad at the moment. Enjoying the job, got a few weekends away planned, weather is improving and the building project is moving on - we nearly have two bathrooms! What luxury - but also I am hoping this will ensure that we have many a houseful of visitors. We live on the North East coast and I come from the South coast so many of my friends have not made it here yet - about 7 hours away - but this year I have consciously not visited very frequently because I realised that as I kept visiting there was no need for them to come here - it seems to be working - got several visitors booked for the summer! Well that is it for now - still trying to think of an idea for a book. Will post again soon.
Tuesday 13 April 2010
past holidays and waking up with children
It's been a while since I have been bothered to write. It is hard to do a blog because when things are going well, you are usually too busy to write and the times when you have the time - there is not much to write about. I can't always rely on my memory as it is terrible these days! Sometimes I think I expect far too much from life and others seem content with so much less than I do. If I have a week where not alot happens I start to feel unpopular and unloved etc yet most of the time I lead a very full and fun life!
It's not as if it is not busy! with the three children and house that constantly needs attention - not to mention the grumpy husband. Most people would think that was enough! I also work 30 hrs a week as a nurse on the community working with children with health needs. Not as if it is an easy job either. I am trying to improve services to children in the area but seem to have lost my way this past week and just feel overwhelmed with the task and unable to complete it! I am off now for a week so hoping to find some direction and enthusiasm! I think some of my mood is hormonal and I hate that hormones can make you feel so different - almost as if you lose your mooring.
In life I have lost my mooring a few times so mental well being is very important to me. I need my friends and family close by and when they stop being there I do find it hard being alone. Recently I have felt quite distant from my family and friends. It feels like we have entered a time in our lives where no one has time for anyone else. The thing is I still do! So what am I doing wrong?? When you get into your forties - are you supposed to be so busy that you lose your connections to your previous life? I don't know I find it all very puzzling....
I sometimes wonder if most people spend alot of time with their spouse? We have very separate interests and lives, although we are very much together (I think?) I love him dearly, but he is not everything to me. Is that wrong? So I do still have time for others, whereas it does not seem to be reciprocated!
Anyway, that's where I am at at the moment and the reason that I have not blogged for a while. Sometimes I think it is more real to put down how I am feeling, especially as I feel like this so frequently! I wonder if others do too? I have many moments of wondering what it is all about? On the other hand, I feel so lucky. I may have mentioned before but I did not ever expect to have children or get married. I always thought that those things happened to others. I did have some really great relationships before this one - but nothing ever came close to this.
Most of the time I feel very fortunate - I don't have the feeling of having a soul mate which I have met in the past but I think were too emotional and close relationships. This relationship is much more real and rooted in real life which as we all know is not always great! We have alot in common together and we have our own freedom so that I am allowed to have days "off" which means I can have nights away on my own or leave the children with him and go shopping. Alot of my friends do not seem to be able to get away at all and have no spare time.
I am also taking the children on holiday with some friends as hubby does not really enjoy family holidays - he never had them as a child so the few we have had have been stressful and not much fun. Well there have been moments of fun - mingled with the stress! The most memorable of these was a holiday which I organised in collaboration (I thought) with hubby. He just nodded everytime I told him a part of the organisation - though he admitted he did not think I would really go ahead with it! He has alot to learn about me still! So I booked the holiday of my dreams with my lovely family, thinking he would love it too!
The holiday in retrospect did not start in the best way. I could only get a flight from stanstead airport - about 4 hours drive away! I guess maybe not the most relaxing of starts for stressed husband! He drives an hour and a half to work then back again each day so his holiday ideally should contain no driving! OOps! Not a point I had appreciated at the time! On arrival to the airport, there was the stress of parking etc. The flight went smoothly and the transfer was fairly uneventful. Well apart from having to wait a while in a queue for our hire car and them not having the right seat for our 6 month old.
When we arrived, what to me was idyllic - a gite in the middle of nowhere- wooden floors - 3 floors of echoey, noisy stairs. No TV, just a radio. Old fashioned - but a cooker, fridge and kettle. I thought the perfect get away! Husband thought where is the telly? what are the children going to do for the next 10 days? It was 15 k to the nearest town so another drive and I lost my confidence over the channnel - so was unable to help with the driving. There were some good bits but hubby felt stressed and unwell. The 6 month old and the girls were beautifully behaved, not hard work at all - easily pleased and fun to be with. Hubby on the other hand was hard work, difficult, moody and not much help. So I have told him that I'll take the children without him!
The holiday I have booked is abroad again - the first time in three years - have not dared since the last one or had the money as we have been building onto our house. This holiday should be great - I have two friends who do not have children coming with us - both children's nurses so great with kids! It is in a luxury caravan , on a keycamp park with free kids entertainment and close to the town and beach. I am really looking forward to it - especially the sun! We had 10 days of rain in france which of course did not help matters!
So, today I am sitting in bed with Radio 2, I like Chris Evans these days, though I alternate with Chris Moyles as I like him too. I think he is off on hols at the moment anyway. I have all 3 children in the bed. One playing with the DS cooking mama, the other two alternating between loving each other and fighting! One has already come to me with a bleeding mouth that her brother had caused as he wanted to watch the zoo animals! She did admit later that she had hit him on the head as well! It serves me right because he had woken me at 7am with demands for milk which I had gone and got at 7.15 - I had put up with his banter and constant demands to read him a book but by 7.45 I decided he could go and wake his sisters and get them to take him downstairs to watch TV. If I had not been lazy and had gone to put the TV on or alternatively given into his demands to read a book then none of it would have happened! What a bad parent I am!
It's not as if it is not busy! with the three children and house that constantly needs attention - not to mention the grumpy husband. Most people would think that was enough! I also work 30 hrs a week as a nurse on the community working with children with health needs. Not as if it is an easy job either. I am trying to improve services to children in the area but seem to have lost my way this past week and just feel overwhelmed with the task and unable to complete it! I am off now for a week so hoping to find some direction and enthusiasm! I think some of my mood is hormonal and I hate that hormones can make you feel so different - almost as if you lose your mooring.
In life I have lost my mooring a few times so mental well being is very important to me. I need my friends and family close by and when they stop being there I do find it hard being alone. Recently I have felt quite distant from my family and friends. It feels like we have entered a time in our lives where no one has time for anyone else. The thing is I still do! So what am I doing wrong?? When you get into your forties - are you supposed to be so busy that you lose your connections to your previous life? I don't know I find it all very puzzling....
I sometimes wonder if most people spend alot of time with their spouse? We have very separate interests and lives, although we are very much together (I think?) I love him dearly, but he is not everything to me. Is that wrong? So I do still have time for others, whereas it does not seem to be reciprocated!
Anyway, that's where I am at at the moment and the reason that I have not blogged for a while. Sometimes I think it is more real to put down how I am feeling, especially as I feel like this so frequently! I wonder if others do too? I have many moments of wondering what it is all about? On the other hand, I feel so lucky. I may have mentioned before but I did not ever expect to have children or get married. I always thought that those things happened to others. I did have some really great relationships before this one - but nothing ever came close to this.
Most of the time I feel very fortunate - I don't have the feeling of having a soul mate which I have met in the past but I think were too emotional and close relationships. This relationship is much more real and rooted in real life which as we all know is not always great! We have alot in common together and we have our own freedom so that I am allowed to have days "off" which means I can have nights away on my own or leave the children with him and go shopping. Alot of my friends do not seem to be able to get away at all and have no spare time.
I am also taking the children on holiday with some friends as hubby does not really enjoy family holidays - he never had them as a child so the few we have had have been stressful and not much fun. Well there have been moments of fun - mingled with the stress! The most memorable of these was a holiday which I organised in collaboration (I thought) with hubby. He just nodded everytime I told him a part of the organisation - though he admitted he did not think I would really go ahead with it! He has alot to learn about me still! So I booked the holiday of my dreams with my lovely family, thinking he would love it too!
The holiday in retrospect did not start in the best way. I could only get a flight from stanstead airport - about 4 hours drive away! I guess maybe not the most relaxing of starts for stressed husband! He drives an hour and a half to work then back again each day so his holiday ideally should contain no driving! OOps! Not a point I had appreciated at the time! On arrival to the airport, there was the stress of parking etc. The flight went smoothly and the transfer was fairly uneventful. Well apart from having to wait a while in a queue for our hire car and them not having the right seat for our 6 month old.
When we arrived, what to me was idyllic - a gite in the middle of nowhere- wooden floors - 3 floors of echoey, noisy stairs. No TV, just a radio. Old fashioned - but a cooker, fridge and kettle. I thought the perfect get away! Husband thought where is the telly? what are the children going to do for the next 10 days? It was 15 k to the nearest town so another drive and I lost my confidence over the channnel - so was unable to help with the driving. There were some good bits but hubby felt stressed and unwell. The 6 month old and the girls were beautifully behaved, not hard work at all - easily pleased and fun to be with. Hubby on the other hand was hard work, difficult, moody and not much help. So I have told him that I'll take the children without him!
The holiday I have booked is abroad again - the first time in three years - have not dared since the last one or had the money as we have been building onto our house. This holiday should be great - I have two friends who do not have children coming with us - both children's nurses so great with kids! It is in a luxury caravan , on a keycamp park with free kids entertainment and close to the town and beach. I am really looking forward to it - especially the sun! We had 10 days of rain in france which of course did not help matters!
So, today I am sitting in bed with Radio 2, I like Chris Evans these days, though I alternate with Chris Moyles as I like him too. I think he is off on hols at the moment anyway. I have all 3 children in the bed. One playing with the DS cooking mama, the other two alternating between loving each other and fighting! One has already come to me with a bleeding mouth that her brother had caused as he wanted to watch the zoo animals! She did admit later that she had hit him on the head as well! It serves me right because he had woken me at 7am with demands for milk which I had gone and got at 7.15 - I had put up with his banter and constant demands to read him a book but by 7.45 I decided he could go and wake his sisters and get them to take him downstairs to watch TV. If I had not been lazy and had gone to put the TV on or alternatively given into his demands to read a book then none of it would have happened! What a bad parent I am!
Saturday 27 February 2010
snow and decisions, decisions!
So it's been a while since I last wrote. Things are good at the moment after a very strange christmas time. I don't know if I wrote in a previous blog that I am a nurse and do a job which sometimes is dealing with children that could die. This was happening around christmas which did definately overshadow that whole time and may have been a part of the reason that it was a strange one. Things definately improved as the new year came in and I made a promise to myself that next year will be different! I think in these coming months I am realising that in all areas I do not have to sit back and allow things to happen to me, that I can change my response and change the inevitable. My mum is already getting excited that we are planning to spend the festive time with her. Not thought through quite how it will happen, because obviously that will mean me being off at that time which cannot be guaranteed but that is the plan.
Also around christmas time I had to take daughter E to the hospital for an MRI scan of her brain because her optometrist suspected some brain damage and wanted to check. I went in to a complete spin as this knowledge came in a phone call totally out of the blue. In fact for the two weeks it took me to process this information I just felt sick and out of sync. Luckily, once I had come to terms with this new slant on my daughter I was fine and thought it would answer some queries that I had always had about her. However, all the worrying was for nothing - the scan was completely normal and nothing untoward at all was visible. The scan was on my birthday and all she was worried about was the fact that we were spending my birthday in the hospital. I did not mind. She was happy because we bought a teddy for being a good girl. She was hilarious on the day and amused the anaesthetist and his team so that they were chuckling to themselves as they put her to sleep. The sleep felt like the longest time but she soon came around and we were able to go home.
We have had the snowiest winter ever here in North Yorkshire which has been difficult at times because I never know whether to go to work if snow is predicted as sometimes the roads are shut in the area and sometimes they get so snowy that the traffic cannot move. I only spent one hairy evening getting home that took me over 3 hrs for a 40 min journey.
I left work as snow was predicted for the county and was supposed to be pretty heavy, however as is the way I missed the start of it being immersed in what I was doing and set off in thick snow which just came from nowhere. This year at least I managed to get the car out of the hospital car park. I thought this was good progress and in fact I managed to move pretty quickly up to the moors where there was a tanker stuck on the hill and we all had to stop. By this time the snow was coming thick and fast - like a blanket and you just felt a bit of a peace here on the moors, surrounded by lots of strangers in their cars in the same position.
However, as I watched from the comfort of my warm car and listening to the radio I observed the strangest phenomenon - these cars were not like me at all. All of a sudden the occupants of the cars in front and behind me started to get out of their vehicles and go into their boot - and pull out YELLOW JACKETS! Where on earth did they all come from? Suddenly the moors where the traffic had come to a complete halt came alive with men shouting instructions to the waiting cars and running up the hill in their yellow jackets with shovels and all manner of manly tools! It was a sight to behold - almost not a random event but a carefully orchestrated spectacle that had been planned meticulously.
I just sat there in amazement watching these men running about, reassuring the car occupants as they took on this new role. Where did all the jackets come from? The cars themselves were fairly normal looking although there were some courier people who were definately in charge. They managed to free the tanker, how they did it I still do not know. Eventually the traffic started moving but as we all started slowly up the hill, other cars would get stuck but no challenge was to great for the yellow jackets and they gamely freed them, pushed and shoved, instructed and encouraged and again the traffic would move. When it came to my turn I was giggling as they were so serious telling me how to tackle the hill and what I found as I drove over the hills that it was all very well telling me to floor it to the top but yes I got over the hill but then the brakes did not work when I reached the descent! I had to manoevre the car into the banks to slow myself down and actually this is how I have had to travel in this snow - I expect the car will have lots of dents in the side but it was the only way to slow it down.
Very scarey and like I said it took me 3hours to get home!
I have been having other dilemmas as well - I always seem to be having them. The worst ones are always about managing the children so that I can go to work! The guilt is always there to start with then the complexities of tackling new challenges will set in. The first being whether to start the boy at nursery or not. I have agonised over this for weeks since the nursery rang back before christmas, offering us a place. I had put his name down when he was born - as you do! They caught me unawares saying how the places were booking up fast so I requested some sessions not having really thought it through.
A few weeks went past and the same lady phoned again saying that he had a place that would start after Easter. I have thought and thought and worried and strressed until I have come to the conclusion that he is happy where he is and I should probably leave things as they are. Why do we feel that when we are given a new opportunity that we have to take it up? He is growing fast and will go to school next year so actually why not let him have another year of being cared for in a homely environment by my child minders who know him and understand his needs. He is well cared for and is always having fun, baking and playing, painting and making things. He is happy so why change that with the introduction of after school and breakfast clubs which I think he is far too young to cope with. So decision made after agonies and stress! Then the other side is the feeling that all the other children are clamouring for these sessions and they are ready for it so why is mine not!
The other problem I have had is the cancelling of breakfast club for the girls. Again, out of the blue when all was going well and I was not even having to think about their provision and had got over the feeling that they were too young to cope etc etc. We had got into a routine where I dropped them off at 8 ish which meant I could get to work by 9am. I had taken it for granted that this would always be and I could get to work so that I could leave on time to pick them up at 5 30, having left work at 5pm. It is funny how you do not even question things once they are established! I had got into the habit of making them breakfast here because they hated having it at school but then were happy to go.
The head caught me and said that they had a board meeting and it had been decided that not enough people were using the club to make it profitable or for it to even break even and that in fact the club was costing the school alot of money that they did not have. So that was it, the bomb shell dropped, leaving me stranded and in a spin! Again! A familiar feeling in my life! It was presented to me that this certain person had implied that she was able to cater for me in a private agreement. This sounded fine in theory but initially I was loathe to fit in with this arrangement and decided that I would just manage.
In amongst all of this is the backdrop of sometimes needing to do earlier visits as my colleague prefers that end of the day - having grown up children who can care for themselves, no longer at school! So there were a couple of parents who had got used to having a breakfast visit so that their darling could go to school. Fair enough - but I also have a 3 year old who has a town childminder mon and tues and a country one wed, thurs , fri. The town one has him from any time after 7 30 and the country one (8 miles round trip) can have him from 8 ish. The problem being that if we are running slightly late then the whole plan goes to pot! So we get up just before 7 am. I know that it takes an hour to get everyone ready and out of the door! I have tried to do it in less buy it never works out!
So we get up, breakfasted and out of the door. If I take the girls to school I have to get the boy to his place by 8 15 or I am too late for work. If I go later with the boy after 9 then one set of childminders will have set off to art tots which is in the town so I then waste even more time getting him there. It is a race against time and to have me sitting at my desk by 9 30 looking unruffled and ready to work is an art in itself. I work with another lady who always says she has enough trouble just getting herself into work and she does not know how I do it! My colleague on a fairly regular basis will add to my guilt by saying that she only worked when her husband could have the children so did not have the dilemmas that I do.
Anyway I digress, so here I am trying to get to work and keep all the balls in the air then I decide to offer our services even earlier to a family that need it. So now I don't have to get to work by 9am - but by 8 30! Silly I know but I thought I could do it! So that first morning I was so worried about letting them down that the kids were up at 6am and I was waiting outside their house at just gone 8am. At this time I was using the person suggested to me about 3 times a week which was working fine and meant that I was owed time and not owing time to work.
However this person has just got busier and is unable to offer so much time which left me this week angry enough to write a letter and cause a few waves at school with my upset and thinking about the whole work/life balance thing. The conclusion is that I now only need child care 2 mornings and can come in later the other two. So maybe it was a good thing because it has made me think about what I do need and in the process I have had to work things out myself and I have found out who my friends are!
Also around christmas time I had to take daughter E to the hospital for an MRI scan of her brain because her optometrist suspected some brain damage and wanted to check. I went in to a complete spin as this knowledge came in a phone call totally out of the blue. In fact for the two weeks it took me to process this information I just felt sick and out of sync. Luckily, once I had come to terms with this new slant on my daughter I was fine and thought it would answer some queries that I had always had about her. However, all the worrying was for nothing - the scan was completely normal and nothing untoward at all was visible. The scan was on my birthday and all she was worried about was the fact that we were spending my birthday in the hospital. I did not mind. She was happy because we bought a teddy for being a good girl. She was hilarious on the day and amused the anaesthetist and his team so that they were chuckling to themselves as they put her to sleep. The sleep felt like the longest time but she soon came around and we were able to go home.
We have had the snowiest winter ever here in North Yorkshire which has been difficult at times because I never know whether to go to work if snow is predicted as sometimes the roads are shut in the area and sometimes they get so snowy that the traffic cannot move. I only spent one hairy evening getting home that took me over 3 hrs for a 40 min journey.
I left work as snow was predicted for the county and was supposed to be pretty heavy, however as is the way I missed the start of it being immersed in what I was doing and set off in thick snow which just came from nowhere. This year at least I managed to get the car out of the hospital car park. I thought this was good progress and in fact I managed to move pretty quickly up to the moors where there was a tanker stuck on the hill and we all had to stop. By this time the snow was coming thick and fast - like a blanket and you just felt a bit of a peace here on the moors, surrounded by lots of strangers in their cars in the same position.
However, as I watched from the comfort of my warm car and listening to the radio I observed the strangest phenomenon - these cars were not like me at all. All of a sudden the occupants of the cars in front and behind me started to get out of their vehicles and go into their boot - and pull out YELLOW JACKETS! Where on earth did they all come from? Suddenly the moors where the traffic had come to a complete halt came alive with men shouting instructions to the waiting cars and running up the hill in their yellow jackets with shovels and all manner of manly tools! It was a sight to behold - almost not a random event but a carefully orchestrated spectacle that had been planned meticulously.
I just sat there in amazement watching these men running about, reassuring the car occupants as they took on this new role. Where did all the jackets come from? The cars themselves were fairly normal looking although there were some courier people who were definately in charge. They managed to free the tanker, how they did it I still do not know. Eventually the traffic started moving but as we all started slowly up the hill, other cars would get stuck but no challenge was to great for the yellow jackets and they gamely freed them, pushed and shoved, instructed and encouraged and again the traffic would move. When it came to my turn I was giggling as they were so serious telling me how to tackle the hill and what I found as I drove over the hills that it was all very well telling me to floor it to the top but yes I got over the hill but then the brakes did not work when I reached the descent! I had to manoevre the car into the banks to slow myself down and actually this is how I have had to travel in this snow - I expect the car will have lots of dents in the side but it was the only way to slow it down.
Very scarey and like I said it took me 3hours to get home!
I have been having other dilemmas as well - I always seem to be having them. The worst ones are always about managing the children so that I can go to work! The guilt is always there to start with then the complexities of tackling new challenges will set in. The first being whether to start the boy at nursery or not. I have agonised over this for weeks since the nursery rang back before christmas, offering us a place. I had put his name down when he was born - as you do! They caught me unawares saying how the places were booking up fast so I requested some sessions not having really thought it through.
A few weeks went past and the same lady phoned again saying that he had a place that would start after Easter. I have thought and thought and worried and strressed until I have come to the conclusion that he is happy where he is and I should probably leave things as they are. Why do we feel that when we are given a new opportunity that we have to take it up? He is growing fast and will go to school next year so actually why not let him have another year of being cared for in a homely environment by my child minders who know him and understand his needs. He is well cared for and is always having fun, baking and playing, painting and making things. He is happy so why change that with the introduction of after school and breakfast clubs which I think he is far too young to cope with. So decision made after agonies and stress! Then the other side is the feeling that all the other children are clamouring for these sessions and they are ready for it so why is mine not!
The other problem I have had is the cancelling of breakfast club for the girls. Again, out of the blue when all was going well and I was not even having to think about their provision and had got over the feeling that they were too young to cope etc etc. We had got into a routine where I dropped them off at 8 ish which meant I could get to work by 9am. I had taken it for granted that this would always be and I could get to work so that I could leave on time to pick them up at 5 30, having left work at 5pm. It is funny how you do not even question things once they are established! I had got into the habit of making them breakfast here because they hated having it at school but then were happy to go.
The head caught me and said that they had a board meeting and it had been decided that not enough people were using the club to make it profitable or for it to even break even and that in fact the club was costing the school alot of money that they did not have. So that was it, the bomb shell dropped, leaving me stranded and in a spin! Again! A familiar feeling in my life! It was presented to me that this certain person had implied that she was able to cater for me in a private agreement. This sounded fine in theory but initially I was loathe to fit in with this arrangement and decided that I would just manage.
In amongst all of this is the backdrop of sometimes needing to do earlier visits as my colleague prefers that end of the day - having grown up children who can care for themselves, no longer at school! So there were a couple of parents who had got used to having a breakfast visit so that their darling could go to school. Fair enough - but I also have a 3 year old who has a town childminder mon and tues and a country one wed, thurs , fri. The town one has him from any time after 7 30 and the country one (8 miles round trip) can have him from 8 ish. The problem being that if we are running slightly late then the whole plan goes to pot! So we get up just before 7 am. I know that it takes an hour to get everyone ready and out of the door! I have tried to do it in less buy it never works out!
So we get up, breakfasted and out of the door. If I take the girls to school I have to get the boy to his place by 8 15 or I am too late for work. If I go later with the boy after 9 then one set of childminders will have set off to art tots which is in the town so I then waste even more time getting him there. It is a race against time and to have me sitting at my desk by 9 30 looking unruffled and ready to work is an art in itself. I work with another lady who always says she has enough trouble just getting herself into work and she does not know how I do it! My colleague on a fairly regular basis will add to my guilt by saying that she only worked when her husband could have the children so did not have the dilemmas that I do.
Anyway I digress, so here I am trying to get to work and keep all the balls in the air then I decide to offer our services even earlier to a family that need it. So now I don't have to get to work by 9am - but by 8 30! Silly I know but I thought I could do it! So that first morning I was so worried about letting them down that the kids were up at 6am and I was waiting outside their house at just gone 8am. At this time I was using the person suggested to me about 3 times a week which was working fine and meant that I was owed time and not owing time to work.
However this person has just got busier and is unable to offer so much time which left me this week angry enough to write a letter and cause a few waves at school with my upset and thinking about the whole work/life balance thing. The conclusion is that I now only need child care 2 mornings and can come in later the other two. So maybe it was a good thing because it has made me think about what I do need and in the process I have had to work things out myself and I have found out who my friends are!
Sunday 10 January 2010
post christmas blues
Well the christmas bit is all behind us and now we are launched into a very cold winter. For me, this time of year is always a bit of a challenge and I am sure that I am not alone in this. I really look forward to christmas but I think we have lost the point of it all and it no longer is a time of celebration but one of pressure, consumerism, competition and rushing about more than usual. I found the whole lead up exhausting and dissatisfying and many other things that are negative. Still I feel like I have survived it all but only just!
The lead up to Christmas I love, the speculation about presents, where we will spend the time, who with etc. However, very quickly I started to feel that this time would not be so great as my husband wanted to spend it at home - just us. To make things worse, I had decided that my mum and brother who usually come between christmas and New Year should not come until New Years Day. I could have predicted a quiet time for the whole week without any contact with anyone else other than the children and husband - who incidently hates Christmas. Great!
So of course I intended to do the Christmas shopping early - thought about it in November but then had the great idea to do it all in one day in December. Bad idea - it snowed so then I had no free time without the children in tow to do it again. My husband would point out that I had a full weekend in London without any of them but I didn't really want to do shopping that weekend and then have to take it all back on the train! So then online shopping commenced..... what a nightmare when you are under pressure with only a couple of delivery days left. I did lots of research but no real action until the weekend before the big day. In the end I did get everything for the children but felt a failure with everyone else. Even hubby got nothing this year!
Christmas day did not start too well. Husband hung over, myself tired and cross. Children high on chocolate and excitement! Husband not wanting to take part in present opening - me not able to make them wait and very cross with husband! Husband cooking the dinner eventually at 11 o'clock so that nothing was ready until at least 2 pm! Husband goes to pub until 2 30 pm
and I sit at home with children. We agreed that we would eat when he got back which was fine. However then his mum, dad and sister turned up as we were finishing off the preparations so no dinner yet then! I fed the children theres and made cups of tea and polite conversation and tried not to seethe with husband. It was a tall order! I seethed and bubbled and resented and cursed until he noticed and started retaliating. So we hissed at one another whilst finishing off the preparations for dinner and eventually sat down to eat at 5 pm with his parents and sister. We actually ended up having a good laugh but all in all not a day I would like to see repeated ever!
After the dinner which he did fully prepare and was wonderful, we had christmas cake and wine and watched TV. We ended up watching Alan Titchmarsh somewhere climbing hills and talking about history of the uk which was quite good -especially when I thought it was a special edition for christmas day. Not so great when I realised it was a repeat on sky! We then watched only fools and horses which seemed to suit everyone and caused quite a few chuckles. They did not leave until 9 pm.
The rest of the christmas period passed without much of a problem. Watched flushed away and played bingo. Watched the "March of the penguins" which i thought was fantastic and actually made me feel alot happier. So in the end we had a good time - we didn't see anyone until I went to work on the tues /wed and then it was New Year! Had a lovely time with mum and brother as always it went far to fast. I have plotted already to spend next christmas with them!
The lead up to Christmas I love, the speculation about presents, where we will spend the time, who with etc. However, very quickly I started to feel that this time would not be so great as my husband wanted to spend it at home - just us. To make things worse, I had decided that my mum and brother who usually come between christmas and New Year should not come until New Years Day. I could have predicted a quiet time for the whole week without any contact with anyone else other than the children and husband - who incidently hates Christmas. Great!
So of course I intended to do the Christmas shopping early - thought about it in November but then had the great idea to do it all in one day in December. Bad idea - it snowed so then I had no free time without the children in tow to do it again. My husband would point out that I had a full weekend in London without any of them but I didn't really want to do shopping that weekend and then have to take it all back on the train! So then online shopping commenced..... what a nightmare when you are under pressure with only a couple of delivery days left. I did lots of research but no real action until the weekend before the big day. In the end I did get everything for the children but felt a failure with everyone else. Even hubby got nothing this year!
Christmas day did not start too well. Husband hung over, myself tired and cross. Children high on chocolate and excitement! Husband not wanting to take part in present opening - me not able to make them wait and very cross with husband! Husband cooking the dinner eventually at 11 o'clock so that nothing was ready until at least 2 pm! Husband goes to pub until 2 30 pm
and I sit at home with children. We agreed that we would eat when he got back which was fine. However then his mum, dad and sister turned up as we were finishing off the preparations so no dinner yet then! I fed the children theres and made cups of tea and polite conversation and tried not to seethe with husband. It was a tall order! I seethed and bubbled and resented and cursed until he noticed and started retaliating. So we hissed at one another whilst finishing off the preparations for dinner and eventually sat down to eat at 5 pm with his parents and sister. We actually ended up having a good laugh but all in all not a day I would like to see repeated ever!
After the dinner which he did fully prepare and was wonderful, we had christmas cake and wine and watched TV. We ended up watching Alan Titchmarsh somewhere climbing hills and talking about history of the uk which was quite good -especially when I thought it was a special edition for christmas day. Not so great when I realised it was a repeat on sky! We then watched only fools and horses which seemed to suit everyone and caused quite a few chuckles. They did not leave until 9 pm.
The rest of the christmas period passed without much of a problem. Watched flushed away and played bingo. Watched the "March of the penguins" which i thought was fantastic and actually made me feel alot happier. So in the end we had a good time - we didn't see anyone until I went to work on the tues /wed and then it was New Year! Had a lovely time with mum and brother as always it went far to fast. I have plotted already to spend next christmas with them!
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