Well I have tried very hard to not go down the road of feeling blue at christmas - not succeeding at the moment. We are all plagued by illness and I am not feeling full of goodwill and cheer. I only hope I don't reach christmas day in this negative frame of mind. I do have reasons - my little girl has been unwell since half term in October and since then has suffered bouts of severe stomach ache and been admitted on several occasions and eventually ended up with a blocked bowell and gall stones! Poor girl - we had 8 days in hospital in Leeds which was a better experience than previously and I did feel cared for and not neglected which I guess is a better advert for the profession than previously. We also had lots of trips with pain and scans and outpatients appointments before we got the diagnosis.
In this time, despite being a nurse I managed to just go along with things to a degree but ended up taking her in when the pain became too much. I spent a night in my local hospital too and had two ambulance trips into the bargain! Anyway it is all over now and whereas I was feeling very relaxed about things in hospital and feeling that nothing really mattered as long as she was okay, now I feel fed up that I am behind with things and not being able to go to work - missed all the social occasions that I had booked and feel quite irrationally peed off!
I had some great things planned - see the last entry - I was going to Manchester to meet with an old friend for the weekend which was cancelled by her as she was having some family difficulties but that evening ended up in an ambulance with a poorly child - the beginning of it all. I then had a weekend in Bristol, meeting up with another friend nr Sheffield to go to Yorkshire Sculpture Park, work Christmas Do, friends night out etc etc. I have not been on one night out to speak of. I did manage an evening to my neighbour for a drink and some pizza - thats it!
I have decided that I can only give for so long - I have been woken over the course of the past 3 weeks by one or other child and they have always needed me to be fully awake. We have had sickness, upset stomachs, coughs, fevers and general unwellness and to be honest I am very sick of it all! I don't know the skill of staying cheerful despite your circumstances- is it just that other people are fully fulfilled with their children and home life or do others have the same feelings.
We have few plans over xmas and I do dread them to a degree. So much pressure to do the right presents for people and this year no time to go out and get them. Amazon has had a hammering and I dread to think how much we have spent. The children keep telling me of new things that father xmas is bringing them and I have had to call it a day. Then you feel a disappointment on xmas day as well as filling them full of chocolate and sweets which is not something that happens without cranky and whingey children as the end result. Husband prefers not to bother with it all and tries to get out of much as he can. He is useful in the cooking of dinner and laying the fire. Other than that, he is generally on a mission to get pissed by teatime when we usually have a visit from his parents and his sister. I have mixed feelings about this visit since it is nice to see someone but I would rather it were my family.
This year I am determined not to end up rowing by 9 Oclock but I can't promise anything!
