Life here in the North is good at the moment. Think I have been very hormonal and not very sure of feelings lately so not written because I get fed up with negativity all the time. When I feel like that I don't want to write although probably those writings would be more real. Sometimes I think I might go a bit crazy with my mind being how it is. Definitely sometimes it is hormones because circumstances are no different but I can feel so fed up one day then almost high a few days later.
The children are growing up fast. My 3 year old is now almost potty trained which is such a relief and now I am looking forward to some freer time and feel like the old me is emerging. It feels as if a part of me has been submerged for a while and I think in some ways the whole experience of having children is all consuming in a way that nothing else ever is!
For me it was being pregnant, losing a baby at 22 weeks then having twins (now nearly 7 yrs) then another baby at 18 weeks then my 3 year old so for the past 8 years I have either been wanting to be pregnant or in the throes of it all. Not to mention having appointments and some time with one of the twins on an intensive care unit and all that entails. It has all been worth it though but there is some relief that we made it - eventually and not a day goes past (well not many) when I don't feel extremely lucky and blessed although I know some of my friends don't see my life that way!
I consider myself very fortunate and I also have a fab house in the country, near the sea, some great friends and neighbours and a great job. Although it does not always seem that way! I do indeed have all these things but as I say I do suffer from low moods on a regular basis which does complicate my life and make me feel alien and distant from all of those around me. I fortunately do have alot of good friends and a supportive family (though a long way away - the family and some of the friends). I think I have said before that I did never imagine being where I am now. The marriage is still a mystery to me but as we were saying only last night - mostly seems to work. I think if it did not we would not still be together. I still (when not low) think he is an incredible person and a great dad and he and I have come through some very difficult upbringings and that is probably the glue that keeps us together. I could not imagine life without him. Though sometimes life might be easier - he is very different to me and we often do not see things in the same way at all. Makes for an interesting life!
I am about to take the children away without him because he cannot cope with holidays with the children abroad. So I decided that the easiest way to manage this was to leave him behind! So I am going with two other children's nurses who I know pretty well and who I know will be great with the kids - thus relieving my stress levels and giving me a break!
It will work for hubby too because he will get a week of peace so be really happy to see us on our return! So all in all not too bad at the moment. Enjoying the job, got a few weekends away planned, weather is improving and the building project is moving on - we nearly have two bathrooms! What luxury - but also I am hoping this will ensure that we have many a houseful of visitors. We live on the North East coast and I come from the South coast so many of my friends have not made it here yet - about 7 hours away - but this year I have consciously not visited very frequently because I realised that as I kept visiting there was no need for them to come here - it seems to be working - got several visitors booked for the summer! Well that is it for now - still trying to think of an idea for a book. Will post again soon.
