So it's been a while since I last wrote. Things are good at the moment after a very strange christmas time. I don't know if I wrote in a previous blog that I am a nurse and do a job which sometimes is dealing with children that could die. This was happening around christmas which did definately overshadow that whole time and may have been a part of the reason that it was a strange one. Things definately improved as the new year came in and I made a promise to myself that next year will be different! I think in these coming months I am realising that in all areas I do not have to sit back and allow things to happen to me, that I can change my response and change the inevitable. My mum is already getting excited that we are planning to spend the festive time with her. Not thought through quite how it will happen, because obviously that will mean me being off at that time which cannot be guaranteed but that is the plan.
Also around christmas time I had to take daughter E to the hospital for an MRI scan of her brain because her optometrist suspected some brain damage and wanted to check. I went in to a complete spin as this knowledge came in a phone call totally out of the blue. In fact for the two weeks it took me to process this information I just felt sick and out of sync. Luckily, once I had come to terms with this new slant on my daughter I was fine and thought it would answer some queries that I had always had about her. However, all the worrying was for nothing - the scan was completely normal and nothing untoward at all was visible. The scan was on my birthday and all she was worried about was the fact that we were spending my birthday in the hospital. I did not mind. She was happy because we bought a teddy for being a good girl. She was hilarious on the day and amused the anaesthetist and his team so that they were chuckling to themselves as they put her to sleep. The sleep felt like the longest time but she soon came around and we were able to go home.
We have had the snowiest winter ever here in North Yorkshire which has been difficult at times because I never know whether to go to work if snow is predicted as sometimes the roads are shut in the area and sometimes they get so snowy that the traffic cannot move. I only spent one hairy evening getting home that took me over 3 hrs for a 40 min journey.
I left work as snow was predicted for the county and was supposed to be pretty heavy, however as is the way I missed the start of it being immersed in what I was doing and set off in thick snow which just came from nowhere. This year at least I managed to get the car out of the hospital car park. I thought this was good progress and in fact I managed to move pretty quickly up to the moors where there was a tanker stuck on the hill and we all had to stop. By this time the snow was coming thick and fast - like a blanket and you just felt a bit of a peace here on the moors, surrounded by lots of strangers in their cars in the same position.
However, as I watched from the comfort of my warm car and listening to the radio I observed the strangest phenomenon - these cars were not like me at all. All of a sudden the occupants of the cars in front and behind me started to get out of their vehicles and go into their boot - and pull out YELLOW JACKETS! Where on earth did they all come from? Suddenly the moors where the traffic had come to a complete halt came alive with men shouting instructions to the waiting cars and running up the hill in their yellow jackets with shovels and all manner of manly tools! It was a sight to behold - almost not a random event but a carefully orchestrated spectacle that had been planned meticulously.
I just sat there in amazement watching these men running about, reassuring the car occupants as they took on this new role. Where did all the jackets come from? The cars themselves were fairly normal looking although there were some courier people who were definately in charge. They managed to free the tanker, how they did it I still do not know. Eventually the traffic started moving but as we all started slowly up the hill, other cars would get stuck but no challenge was to great for the yellow jackets and they gamely freed them, pushed and shoved, instructed and encouraged and again the traffic would move. When it came to my turn I was giggling as they were so serious telling me how to tackle the hill and what I found as I drove over the hills that it was all very well telling me to floor it to the top but yes I got over the hill but then the brakes did not work when I reached the descent! I had to manoevre the car into the banks to slow myself down and actually this is how I have had to travel in this snow - I expect the car will have lots of dents in the side but it was the only way to slow it down.
Very scarey and like I said it took me 3hours to get home!
I have been having other dilemmas as well - I always seem to be having them. The worst ones are always about managing the children so that I can go to work! The guilt is always there to start with then the complexities of tackling new challenges will set in. The first being whether to start the boy at nursery or not. I have agonised over this for weeks since the nursery rang back before christmas, offering us a place. I had put his name down when he was born - as you do! They caught me unawares saying how the places were booking up fast so I requested some sessions not having really thought it through.
A few weeks went past and the same lady phoned again saying that he had a place that would start after Easter. I have thought and thought and worried and strressed until I have come to the conclusion that he is happy where he is and I should probably leave things as they are. Why do we feel that when we are given a new opportunity that we have to take it up? He is growing fast and will go to school next year so actually why not let him have another year of being cared for in a homely environment by my child minders who know him and understand his needs. He is well cared for and is always having fun, baking and playing, painting and making things. He is happy so why change that with the introduction of after school and breakfast clubs which I think he is far too young to cope with. So decision made after agonies and stress! Then the other side is the feeling that all the other children are clamouring for these sessions and they are ready for it so why is mine not!
The other problem I have had is the cancelling of breakfast club for the girls. Again, out of the blue when all was going well and I was not even having to think about their provision and had got over the feeling that they were too young to cope etc etc. We had got into a routine where I dropped them off at 8 ish which meant I could get to work by 9am. I had taken it for granted that this would always be and I could get to work so that I could leave on time to pick them up at 5 30, having left work at 5pm. It is funny how you do not even question things once they are established! I had got into the habit of making them breakfast here because they hated having it at school but then were happy to go.
The head caught me and said that they had a board meeting and it had been decided that not enough people were using the club to make it profitable or for it to even break even and that in fact the club was costing the school alot of money that they did not have. So that was it, the bomb shell dropped, leaving me stranded and in a spin! Again! A familiar feeling in my life! It was presented to me that this certain person had implied that she was able to cater for me in a private agreement. This sounded fine in theory but initially I was loathe to fit in with this arrangement and decided that I would just manage.
In amongst all of this is the backdrop of sometimes needing to do earlier visits as my colleague prefers that end of the day - having grown up children who can care for themselves, no longer at school! So there were a couple of parents who had got used to having a breakfast visit so that their darling could go to school. Fair enough - but I also have a 3 year old who has a town childminder mon and tues and a country one wed, thurs , fri. The town one has him from any time after 7 30 and the country one (8 miles round trip) can have him from 8 ish. The problem being that if we are running slightly late then the whole plan goes to pot! So we get up just before 7 am. I know that it takes an hour to get everyone ready and out of the door! I have tried to do it in less buy it never works out!
So we get up, breakfasted and out of the door. If I take the girls to school I have to get the boy to his place by 8 15 or I am too late for work. If I go later with the boy after 9 then one set of childminders will have set off to art tots which is in the town so I then waste even more time getting him there. It is a race against time and to have me sitting at my desk by 9 30 looking unruffled and ready to work is an art in itself. I work with another lady who always says she has enough trouble just getting herself into work and she does not know how I do it! My colleague on a fairly regular basis will add to my guilt by saying that she only worked when her husband could have the children so did not have the dilemmas that I do.
Anyway I digress, so here I am trying to get to work and keep all the balls in the air then I decide to offer our services even earlier to a family that need it. So now I don't have to get to work by 9am - but by 8 30! Silly I know but I thought I could do it! So that first morning I was so worried about letting them down that the kids were up at 6am and I was waiting outside their house at just gone 8am. At this time I was using the person suggested to me about 3 times a week which was working fine and meant that I was owed time and not owing time to work.
However this person has just got busier and is unable to offer so much time which left me this week angry enough to write a letter and cause a few waves at school with my upset and thinking about the whole work/life balance thing. The conclusion is that I now only need child care 2 mornings and can come in later the other two. So maybe it was a good thing because it has made me think about what I do need and in the process I have had to work things out myself and I have found out who my friends are!
