Hello again, for a long while I seem to have been too busy to blog and not able to arrange my thoughts into cohesive ones that I can express. Going to try today to get something down that might reflect myself and where I am at in my life at the moment. That in itself seems a daunting prospect! I think it is because I feel quite melancholy at times and although I mostly feel happy there is a part of me that is well aware of previous depression that steals upon me and makes me feel uneasy.
Life at the moment is fairly even, and busy with the bringing up of two seven year old girls with alot of attitude which conflicts with their previous mumsiness where they were my shadow and I could do no wrong. I do not really mind as I know they have to grow up and when they are stroppy it is sometimes amusing but they get cross if I laugh at them so I have to keep a straight face whilst they stamp and grump at me. The two year old is potty training so not many minutes at home go past without hearing "mummy poo" or " I need a wee" shouted at the top of his voice. He is already a very demanding boy but sooooo cute! When the girls were little I was the same just absolutely amazed by the way they were so entrancing and delightful - most of the time.
I have reached a point in my life where I am starting to get my own life back - it seems it has been on hold when I have been preparing to be pregnant, being pregnant and having babies, miscarriages ( two times at second trimester stages) and heparin injections to have H. No longer do I have to worry or fret about not having children - they have arrived! With all the complications that they bring I would not have it any other way and in fact if I were younger I would have had at least one more! However I will not push my luck and I do not have the drive to have any more - it is like an invisible force that yearning to have a baby and the chances in life that it brings. I love children, always have done and I work with them every day too. They fascinate me and I do find it a challenge to bring them up in the way I think they should be. I love them so much more than it is possible to express and love the thought of the future when they become what they will become. It is an exciting and scarey thought - you want them to succeed in life and become the best they can be although I have ambitions for them - it is more that they will be lovely people that others want to be with.
For me my friends are my best thing after my family and I want them to have lots of friendships with others because mine are so good and some have lasted so long that I find they buoy you up throughout your life - good times and bad. I would not want to be without one single one. I do see some tendencies in my children that I could encourage but I want them to decide what they want to do. I think that you can push them to much and although they may earn alot of money and be able to buy anything money can buy sometimes that does not make people happy or fulfilled. Often very ambitious people are so driven that they forget others feelings or to make time to enjoy the simple things in life.
I would say that for myself there is alot more I would like to do but I am content with what I have - finally! It has taken a while. I have always been one of these people that would never like to admit it but have always wanted what others have - I don't like this trait and I don't know where it comes from but it is there. I wonder if it is just discontentment with your own life? Any way I am happy to report that I can now look around and be content with myself and the way that I am and do not want to be like anyone else. I am not sure if this is a normal trait within us all because I have always tried to pretend I was not like this but maybe lots of us feel that way and don't share it. I have alluded to this fact with some of my closer friends that might not judge me too harshly but I am pleased that at 42 years old I have nearly put this to bed!
However, I do have some good qualities: loyal friend, loving mother, hardworking,passionate about life, positive attitude. I hope these outweigh the darker sides of my nature! I do enjoy my job but do not like the thought of doing it in 10 years time so I feel at a bit of a crossroads and I am not sure which way I will go. I have many interests: psychology so could do counselling and I have lots of personal experience that could make this a natural way to go - not sure if I might find it a bit tedious day in - day out listening to others and their feelings. Then I have always wanted to write a book - probably fiction - I would love to be able to produce at least one novel in my lifetime. I read so much - I have thought about editing books as well - but maybe I have left it a little late to start an entirely new career??? ~Anyway these are my thoughts - we will have to see which way I go........
